Let's Talk About Sex (After) Baby
This is a topic that a) women talk about with each other a lot and b) men never discuss with each other and hate that women do. This is a topic that is both sensitive and private, but is also universal and central in one way or another to most long-term romantic relationships. This is a topic that is complicated in normal times, and is even more so after having kids. Let’s talk about sex.
As a society, we’ve come a long way in talking openly about sex in relationships and the challenges our sex lives can face when the honeymoon is over and life settles in. As of late, there’s been a lot of parenting pop culture talk about sex. From Emily Oster to BigLittleFeelings (and sex education heavy hitter Emily Nagoski’s newest book: Come Together), we are all trying to get a handle on what we know and what we don’t know about sex and relationships after kids.
This article is really focused on sex in a relationship where there are very young kids at home (0-5, let’s say). These relationships face a whole host of specific challenges, including dramatic physical and hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and entirely new relationship dynamics brought on by parenting for the first time.
My TL/DR looks like this:
The 6 week postpartum appointment that gives you the ‘OK’ to have sex is kind of arbitrary and not backed by strong evidence. If you’re not ready, don’t attempt having sex. The first time (or few times) you have sex after birth will feel scary and will likely be uncomfortable and potentially a little painful (this differs person to person). Use lube and go slow. Stop if it's too much and try again later.
It’s not about how much sex you’re having, it’s about if everyone is enjoying the sex they’re having. (And enjoying sex doesn’t necessarily mean having an orgasm).
It can take women a long time to recover their sex drive postpartum, and those reasons are both physical, hormonal, and emotional. All of them are extremely valid. If you try to push too hard on having sex too soon, it won’t end well. However, interrogating why you don't want to have sex, if that’s the case, is a useful exercise.
It’s important to talk about sex with your partner in a non-judgemental, non-loaded way. You don’t realize it, but saying things like ‘I guess you just don’t find me attractive anymore!’ can actually push a partner further away, or worse, lead to guilt-sex. You don’t want guilt sex. Research shows long term satisfaction with your sex life is based on quality not quantity.
Sex can be intimate but not all intimacy is sex: If you’re postpartum and weary, consider an incremental escalation of physical intimacy rather than zero to sixty (See ParentData's recent newsletter post by Erica Chidi).
For those of you with a higher sex drive than your partner, make sure that you’re aware of their non-sexual needs and that you’re helping to see that those needs are met outside of the bedroom - it may seem ‘unfair’ to you, but if your partner is overburdened or overwhelmed with their mental load, or you’re not paying attention to them as a person besides during sex, it’s completely reasonable they’re not going to want to jump in the sack/feel connected to you in that way.
And perhaps most importantly: Not all relationships are the same. Not all relationships need the same frequency of sex. Don’t compare yourself to other people if what you’re doing works for you and your partner.
“What do you want me to tell your husband?”
Ok, now that we’ve got the Cliff’s Notes out of the way, let’s start right from postpartum. Many have some dread about the 6 week appointment because they aren’t, in fact, ready to resume all aspects of their lives post birthing. And that’s the point of the visit, right? A quick check to see that everything is healing as it should and an (often) quite cursory postpartum depression assessment.
For many, this appointment may be the first time they’re taking a solo journey out of the house post birth (with or without baby). There is an unspoken custom, it seems, among many OBGYN’s when it comes to this appointment: Ask the patient what they WANT them to say, in terms of resuming sexual activity. Both my OB in New York for my first kid and my OB in LA with my second basically said the same thing: “If you’re not up for having sex yet, just tell your husband I said you can’t have sex yet.” It’s funny. It’s supportive, but it’s…kind of fucked up that we have to say this at all. Shouldn’t non-birthing people be fine with just waiting until you’re ready?
The answer is YES, and for the most part, I think partners are fine with waiting, even if begrudgingly. That ‘permission’ we sometimes seek to continue to abstain from sex is less about your partner’s expectations as it is about the pressure we sometimes put on ourselves. We put the pressure on because we know we may have not had a lot of sex during the pregnancy and we feel ‘guilty’ for continuing to abstain. Or maybe we pressure ourselves because we hear about our friends’ sex lives and compare our own, wondering what’s wrong with us if we aren’t in the same place (also, people lie about their sex lives. Don't take everything at face value). Or maybe we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves because we just want to feel like ourselves again, even if we may not actually be anywhere near ready.
Men don’t talk about sex, but this is what I’d want them to know/share with each other
We know that having young kids is hard on you too and we know our hormonal oscillations are oftentimes directed at you; please bare with us as we become an entirely new person while trying to figure out how to still be that old person that we cherish. Those first months postpartum, especially for first-time moms, is intense and disorienting and a lot of the shit they show on the Hallmark channel is missing. While likely underreported, something like 30% of women experience postpartum depression and/or anxiety. Even without a diagnosis, the CHEMICAL hormonal roller coaster your partner is experiencing is the most drastic that humans ever experience in the entirety of their lives (that's science!). They’re not just being a bitch. They’re not trying to make you the asshole. They are literally being jerked around on a ride they can't control. With that in mind, now isn’t the time to prioritize your sex life.
Do your partner a solid and just proactively say to them, ‘we aren’t having sex until you're ready.’ You can tell them that you’re excited about resuming that aspect of your relationship, but acknowledging that their body has been through something monumental and giving them space to sort themselves out (with your support and help, where requested) will pay dividends in love and trust later. The minute your communication around intimacy starts to sound like guilting them into sex, is the minute you’re on a slippery slope to losing something foundational in your sex life: trust and safety. We know you want to be having sex. We miss you too. No need to remind us that it's missing. We know it is.
Once you get past that initial period of abstention from sex postpartum, and sex is back on the table, here is my hit list of do’s and don’t for those of you wanting to get laid by your incredible partner:
DO ask them if there are any places you shouldn’t touch. For some women, the C-section scar can be sensitive long after it has healed. Maybe they’ve got gnarly and/or painful hemorrhoids that they don’t want you anywhere near. For other women, especially those breastfeeding, they might want you to stay the fuck away from their boobs. Find out what those things are before you’re actually having sex and hold fast to them. What an easy thing to do to show your partner that you care and respect what they’ve been through. You still get laid. They feel heard/seen/respected. Win-win-win.
DONT suggest that their lack of interest in sex has anything to do with you. Deep in your heart you know that’s not true. Your partner isn’t leaving you to go fuck some hot young thing. They’re leaving you for a goddamn nap. For someone else to be in charge for a couple of hours. By framing sex in this way, your making it transactional and you’re making them feel guilty for something (their sex drive) that they very well might not be able to control on their own.
DO make sure that everyone who wants an orgasm is getting one and that sex is otherwise just...FUN. When you are actually having sex, enjoy it and make sure the other person is too. Focus on the fun, not on past lack of sex or fretting about future having more sex. Stay in the moment.
DONT keep score and don't keep reminding your partner about how you want to have sex. Ask them about what things help them to feel more up for it and work with them to do those things. Play the long game by taking shit of their plate that gets in the way of them being able to relax. (Many women need to feel relaxed to want to have sex, versus many men who see sex as a release that allows them to relax - see how that could get tricky? It presents a clear order of operations).
DO embrace scheduled sex. Come to terms with the fact that sex isn’t going to necessarily be impromptu, unplanned and wild - scheduled sex can be great. In fact, Dr. Emily Nagoski says scheduled predictable sex is probably best for long term sexual satisfaction.
DONT count sex frequency as a metric for the health of your sex life. If you’re having shitty sex every day and your partner isn’t enjoying it at all - do you have a good/healthy sex life? No. As Nagoski emphasizes in her new work, focus on making sure that everyone is liking the sex you’re having.
Women don’t do each other favors with how we talk about sex, but this is what I wish someone told me
Disclaimer: The below is only if YOU WANT TO BE HAVING MORE SEX/FEEL DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR SEX LIFE. I am not advocating for everyone to go out and have more sex if there are valid reasons that you don’t want to/need to (yes, feeling overwhelmed counts as valid).
This is, for most of us, probably the most viscerally and mentally challenging period of our lives. It will also be the most challenging for our long term relationships. For some of you, that will mean that you crave closeness with your partner. For some of you, that means that you need space to reflect and regroup.
First off, share with your partner what you’re feeling about your own sex readiness. Let them understand all of the stuff going on in your head and your body. Even if they don’t totally get it, saying it out loud is important. For me personally, at my 6 week appointment after my son, I was asking if I had organ prolapse. I thought my bladder was going to fall out of my fucking vagina. I was not in any condition to be having sex any time soon. My physical body didn’t feel right and my heart and mind knew it. That being said, I had this self-imposed pressure to figure out when we’d have sex. In my mind I had built up having sex as something I HAD to do because it had been so long. I felt guilty that I didn’t want to have sex because I know how important it is for our connection and closeness. Instead of tying myself up in knots, I should have just led with a discussion with my partner about everything I was feeling (In the section above, I have told the partners to try and initiate this as well, so it's not just on you).
If you feel like you don’t want to have sex, ask yourself why you don't want to. It is a completely valid feeling, but not exploring the root causes isn't fair to you or your partner. The root cause for your lack of interest in sex is the quickest way to troubleshooting what's going on.
To that end, here is a series of questions to ask yourself if you are not satisfied with your sex life. While not comprehensive, I hope that this little personal quiz (remember those scandalous/ridiculous Cosmo quizzes about sex?!) can help you figure out where the pain points are in getting you to the sex life you want to have. Also, we all know I fucking love a therapist. If you are coming up against unaddressed sexual trauma from your past, or struggling to figure out how to get the sex life you want on your own, a therapist that specializes in issues around sex might be transformational for you.
Mutha's Not-So-Cosmo 'Quiz' if your sex life isn’t what you want it to be:
- When you have sex, are you enjoying it?
- When you have sex, do you feel safe with your partner?
- When you have sex, do you feel like your partner knows what you like and don’t like and uses that information?
- Do you feel self conscious or uncomfortable in your body after having kid(s)?
- Do you experience any sort of pain during sex? Was this true before children or is this new a challenge?
- Do you feel like you have windows of time where it would be possible to have sex? (e.g. are you co-sleeping with your kid(s)?, do you work conflicting hours?)
- Do you feel resentment toward your partner about your mental load or otherwise division of responsibilities?
- Do you feel anxious or depressed?
- Do you find it hard to shut your mind off? Do you feel overwhelmed by how much you’re juggling?
- Do you feel touched out?
- Do you ever think about sex, unprompted by your partner?
The simple act of asking yourself these questions might just help you figure out where your own roadblock is for having the sex life you want and allow you to guide discussions with your partner to move some of those roadblocks out of the way. For me, I found that I just…simply stopped thinking about sex. My brain was just too preoccupied with holding all this other boring/anxiety inducing crap, and sex was considered by my brain to be just not a priority. Then I accidentally started reading some smutty fiction (a story for another day), and the sheer act of reminding myself that sex is an option was kind of all I needed to look forward to it again. Consider the above list of questions a shortcut, in the event you don’t accidentally land on some spicy reading.
Bottom Line: Stop thinking about what sex is doing for everyone else, and start thinking about what it does (or doesn’t do) for you
I have informally asked people of all ages, especially women, about their sex drive (I am so fun to have at a party). Those seasoned couples who have been in relationships for a very long time are the first to tell you that there are seasons in our sexual lives, some are more active than others. While you’re weathering these seasons, remember that:
You love your partner (or I hope you do. If you don’t that’s another discussion).
You should be focusing on having sex that everyone enjoys.
Your sex life is your and your partner’s alone and comparisons to others is just not useful (though talking out challenges etc with others can be helpful).
You spend more time doing dumb shit on your phone than it takes to reconnect with your partner. I love doing dumb shit on my phone and find that incredibly relaxing, but…sometimes it’s worth asking myself if I would be better served by putting the phone down and getting other things UP.
Get your contraception game in order, unless having more kids any old time is in the cards for you
Having a new conversation about sex with your long term partner after kids is actually kind of...perfect. The boundaries of your lives have already been completely redrawn and reshuffled. You're a grown ass person doing grown ass things, so put on your adult pants and have an adult conversation about whether or not you like nipple stuff, want to try a cock ring, or just want to have a cozy and enjoyable quickie and go to bed. I guarantee no person trying to have more sex with you is going to shy away from hearing what YOU want to do in the bedroom.
And for god’s sake, buy yourself some lube and read some smutty novels ;)